I sit around most weeks telling you all to read the Bible, pray to God, go to church. But what’s wrong with me? It’s easy to sit here and tell you all that from behind a computer screen. But if I don’t practice it myself, WTF am I doing?
I have to apologize for being a fraud. And a Christian failure. I don’t do any of those things these days. I Google stuff sometimes. But I don’t remember the last time I actually picked up my bible and turned the pages. I rarely pray, because I believe that I can solve my own problems. And if I’m going to be perfectly honest, it’s not that I choose not to do these things, it’s that I forget to pray, or that there even is a God some days. I’ve fallen back into the depths of depression. And my whole world ends up revolving around a few, negative emotions and thoughts and it takes a lot to get me out.
The only scripture that I saw that even felt close to being appropriate were:
-Psalm 46:5 – “God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns”. Let’s hope so, because I laid in bed for 15 hours between last night and this morning. I am going to need help.
-Psalm 73:26 – “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”. I don’t even really know what the last part means (portion?) – but I do know that I fail. And I hope that God will strengthen me.
There’s a song called Failed Christian by Nick Lowe (that I wasn’t aware of until about 2 minutes ago), but the lyrics are a smack in the face.
Maybe that quote by Michael Jordan is true, “I’ve failed over and over, and that is why I succeed”. I guess we’ll wait and see. But right now, in the dark spaces of sadness, despair, loneliness, and heartache, success seems so far away.